TEXAS-SIZED CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYONE!

Our Team

Glizzy McGoo
Chief Executive of Playing Business
Minor in Puffy Sleeves
Concentration in Other People's Money
Theme-Park Experience: Please Allow 7–10 Business Days to Verify

Glizzy McGoo

Glizzy McGoo is TexasLand’s pint-sized princess of profit, bringing an impressive two whole weeks of theme-park experience to the monumental task of transforming rural Texas into something that can finally be monetized. Educated at the prestigious halls of Stanford and Princeton, Glizzy learned an important lesson: why simply live in Texas when you can package it, brand it, put a gate around it, and charge admission?

When she isn't playing businesswoman with Daddy's money, Glizzy can usually be spotted in her signature puffy sleeves and Sunday-best ensembles, looking like somebody's mother just announced, “We're leaving for church in five minutes, young lady.” Don't let the colorful cowboy hats fool you, though. Behind that children's-boutique aesthetic beats the heart of a budding mogul. Glizzy loves spreadsheets, investors, economic-impact projections, and discovering exciting new ways to turn other people's countryside into a revenue stream.

Her hobbies include playing CEO, monetizing Texas culture, spending money she didn't have to earn, calling development “preservation,” and explaining rural life to people who actually live it. With youth on her side, confidence in abundance, and approximately fourteen days of Disney magic under her belt, Glizzy is ready to prove that you don't need decades of experience to dream Texas-sized dreams.

JIMMY UNDERPANTS
Co-Founder & Chief Operating Optimist
Former RA — Basically Theme-Park Management
YouTube Veteran — Basically Entertainment Management
Professional Résumé Acrobat
Coattail Operations Division
Theme-Park Experience: The Sky Is Apparently the Limit
Cat: Rainbow
Most Qualified Member of Household: See Above

Jimmy Underpants

Jimmy Underpants is the co-founder and COO of our theme-park adventure, bringing with him the kind of operational résumé that makes you stop, squint, and ask, “Wait… that’s the guy running the theme park?” His preparation for overseeing a massive entertainment destination apparently includes the formidable world of being a college RA and working for YouTube. Because once you've handled dorm-room disputes and survived the internet, water systems, wastewater, traffic, hotels, attractions, emergency operations, food service, retail and thousands of guests should pretty much take care of themselves.

As COO, Jimmy is ready to tackle the complicated business of theme-park operations with the confidence of a man who has discovered that experience is really more of a suggestion. Fortunately, he doesn't have to dream alone. He's hitched his little wagon to Glizzy McGoo's much shinier one and is holding on for dear life as it barrels toward the exciting world of Texas-themed monetization. Some executives climb the corporate ladder. Jimmy appears to have located an escalator and somebody else paid the electric bill.

When Jimmy isn't busy turning “I was an RA” into executive-level theme-park credentials, he enjoys thinking big, sporting impressive titles, and presumably explaining that operations are operations if anyone asks too many questions. Roller coasters? Dormitories have stairs. Crowd control? He's probably asked people to keep it down after quiet hours. Guest complaints? YouTube has comments. Emergency planning? There was definitely a fire drill somewhere along the way. The transferable skills are practically endless if you transfer them hard enough.

And then there's Rainbow, Jimmy's cat and quite possibly the household's most naturally gifted operations professional. Rainbow understands territorial boundaries, conducts regular security patrols, maintains a rigorous nap schedule and—most importantly—has successfully mastered the complicated relationship between water coming in and wastewater going out. Perhaps Rainbow could sit in on the infrastructure meetings.

Jimmy Underpants proves that sometimes the biggest qualification you need isn't decades spent operating major attractions.

It's finding the right coattails and hanging on.

MR. KABOOM

Ranch Manager, Somehow
Rodeo Credentials: Ask His Brother
Livestock Density: Bring Binoculars
Horse Status: We'd Like an Update
Meeting Focus: Bottom of Boot
Agricultural Expertise: Results May Vary
Career Transportation: Glizzy's Coattails

Mr. Kaboom: All hat. Very few cattle.

Mr. Kaboom

Every ambitious theme park needs a competent ranch manager.

TexasLand has Mr. Kaboom.

Mr. Kaboom's cowboy résumé appears to rely heavily on boots, rodeo proximity, and the convenient glow of a brother who actually made it in the PRCA. But don't worry—Mr. Kaboom knows rodeo. Just ask him. Actually, don't. He'll tell you anyway.

As Glizzy McGoo's Ranch Manager, Mr. Kaboom helped oversee an operation so vast you may need binoculars to find the livestock: a Longhorn, her calf, and another cow scattered across roughly 300 acres. If those cattle were intended to support an agricultural-valuation claim, we'll leave the applicable county requirements to the appraisal district. We will simply marvel at a ranching strategy that appears to involve giving each cow its own ZIP code.

Then there are the horses. They were reportedly placed in pasture where concerns were raised about old hay and their subsequent health, and they haven't been publicly seen for some time. We're not going to speculate about what happened.

We're just going to ask:

Where are the horses, Mr. Kaboom?

His meeting performance reportedly provides additional reassurance. While other professionals take notes, Mr. Kaboom has been observed fiddling with the bottoms of his boots. Perhaps the ranch-management qualifications are stuck in the tread. Keep digging, Mr. Kaboom.

And when he's not managing the livestock equivalent of a scavenger hunt, there's always Glizzy's coattails to ride. It's an efficient arrangement: Glizzy plays business; Mr. Kaboom plays ranch.