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THE HOUSTON CHRONIC-ILL
Developers Discover Rural Texas Is Much Nicer Once You Remove the Rural Part
New plan promises to preserve authentic Texas countryside by replacing it with traffic, concrete, gift shops and a professionally themed version of the countryside
HOUSTON-ISH, TEXAS — In an inspiring breakthrough for people who love rural Texas but apparently cannot tolerate the inconvenience of it actually remaining rural, developers have unveiled the time-honored strategy of destroying the thing people love and then rebuilding a marketable version of it nearby.
The process is surprisingly simple. First, locate quiet acreage with cattle, wildlife, trees, creeks, wells, dark skies and families who have lived there for generations. Next, describe it as an exciting “opportunity.” Then add hotels, parking lots, commercial buildings, thousands of vehicles and enough nighttime lighting to ensure nobody is distracted by those pesky Texas stars.
“We're preserving Texas,” explained development expert Buck N. Concrete, while pointing toward a bulldozer. “Obviously the best way to celebrate open land is to build something on top of it. Otherwise people might accidentally experience Texas for free.”
Residents concerned about traffic, water, wastewater, drainage, wildlife and the disappearance of their rural lifestyle have reportedly been diagnosed with Not Wanting Their Community Completely Changed Syndrome, a condition frequently mistaken for opposition to progress.
The development industry remains optimistic.
“Think about everything people will gain,” said another spokesperson. “Instead of looking across an actual Texas pasture, they'll be able to purchase a souvenir depicting one.”
Plans reportedly call for an authentic Texas experience complete with cowboy imagery, rustic décor and carefully manufactured country charm.
The existing countryside will, of course, need to be removed first.
MORE FROM THE HOUSTON CHRONIC-ILL:
Coming tomorrow: “Local Cow Asked to Relocate Because She Is Interfering With the Western-Themed Landscaping.”
TEXAS MONEY
Business • Development • Other People’s Backyards
You May All Go to Hell, and I Will Go Pave Waller County
“You don’t even need Disney or Universal. You already have Texas. You just need to monetize it.”
One entrepreneur's journey to preserve the authentic Texas experience by replacing some actual Texas with a commercial reproduction of Texas.
By Cashley McMansion
Special to Texas Money
Everyone remembers their first trip to the country. The cows. The creeks. The old barns. The dark night sky. The strange sensation of driving down a road without sitting through three traffic-light cycles.
Charming.
But what if instead of merely looking at Texas, you could pay admission to experience a professionally curated approximation of it?
That is the dream behind TexasLand, an ambitious effort to take the cowboys, railroads, rodeos, ranches and folklore that already exist throughout Texas and put them together somewhere much more convenient: behind a gate.
The original 2023 vision was wonderfully straightforward. Texas has cowboys? Check. Railroads? Obviously. Astronauts? Heck yeah. Pirates? Sure.
There was just one ingredient nobody seemed particularly interested in discussing yet:
the place where all of this would eventually be built.
Back then, site selection was still somewhere over the horizon. The dream consisted of pavilions, barbecue, ranch water, rodeos, lost silver mines, pirates and perhaps even a miniature River Walk.
Then the dream found Waller County.
And suddenly “Texas itself is its own brand” became considerably more literal.
There were actual pastures. Actual cattle. Actual country roads. Actual creeks. Actual wells. Actual wildlife. Actual ranching families.
In other words, an alarming amount of unmonetized Texas.
Fortunately, that's a solvable problem.
First you develop some Texas.
Then you construct Texas-themed attractions celebrating the Texas that was there before you developed it.
Then you invite Texans to drive to the former Texas so they can experience Texas.
Preferably after visiting the gift shop.
EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS. INCLUDING THE INFRASTRUCTURE QUESTIONS.
Theme parks, unfortunately, require slightly more than imagination and cowboy typography.
Visitors require roads.
Restaurants require water.
Hotels require water.
Bathrooms produce wastewater.
Parking lots produce runoff.
And thousands of visitors have the irritating habit of arriving in vehicles.
These details aren't nearly as romantic as pirates, astronauts and lost silver mines, which may explain why they don't usually make the concept art.
But don't worry.
There's probably a study for that.
THE AUTHENTIC TEXAS EXPERIENCE
TexasLand promises visitors something increasingly difficult to find around rapidly developing metropolitan areas:
Texas.
There may be cowboys.
There may be cattle.
There may be Western buildings.
There may even be a carefully designed pasture.
Meanwhile, just beyond the gates, some of the people who already had the country experience for free continue wondering why preserving Texas required putting a theme park in the middle of theirs.
Perhaps that's simply progress.
Or perhaps someday a child will stand inside TexasLand, look across a beautifully landscaped imitation pasture, and ask:
“Did Texas really used to look like this?”
Yes, kid.
That's the funny part.